Welcome to Your Disaster!

As shallow as it may sound, be honest: looking great makes it easier to hold your head above the shit.

A Shit Week and My Punching Bag

This was not my favorite week with humans. I’ve been called a whore, a rapist, and a libelist out of sheer sour grapes… all while being blackmailed. And that was just Monday. A couple of years ago, I would have headed for the bar the minute I got done with work. If I could afford…

Book Out Soon: the Traumatized Child’s Hot Body Guide

All right, in under a month you’ll finally be able to get the entire Disaster Fitness experience in the form of the funniest workout book you’ll ever read. No special diet, no stupid recipes, just the full story on how to love working out even though you can’t stand to be alive.

“Health Goth” Was Stillborn, but Let’s Make It Undead!

I hereby propose to you Hedonia’s Law, which states: To any Internet law there is an infinite number of possible addenda. I came up with this one because I just now discovered the subcultural addendum to Law 34 (“If it exists, there’s porn of it”). Hedonia’s Addendum to law 34 is: Stick any random word…

Do and Enjoy: a Daily Balance

The key to being happy and healthy is to keep your habits consistent day after day, as you will learn in greater detail when my book Disaster Fitness, the Traumatized Child’s Hot Body Guide, comes out in a couple of weeks. If you work out every day with no questions asked—or if you take one…

The Gym Is Dead, Part III: Everyone’s Shitty Attitude Will Poison You

As I predicted earlier in this series, the gym is on its way out. “But wait,” you say; “I will miss the camaraderie!” Oh, really? You’ll miss all the whining jerks who are dragging you down? One of the very worst things about the gym is the culture of commiseration. Over and over, to show […]

The Gym Is Dead, Part One: They Take Your Money

I predict that fitness gyms as we know them will more or less die out in the next decade. Back when they were the only game in town when it came to getting a stranger to yell at you to exercise, they could afford to have a few flaws. But now that the Internet can do…

The Gym Is Dead, Part II: They Take Your Time.

From this day forth, “Under an Hour from Shoes to Shower” is your new fitness motto. From the time you get up and strap on a pair of shoes in the morning till the time you hop in the shower to get ready for whatever hellish day awaits you, no more than an hour should…